Two years ago during winter break we drove to Louisiana. One morning we were just driving around and looking at the cool architecture of New Orleans that had intricate designs carved into stone. Then, we saw a ground fountain and decided to stop and take a look. It was freezing cold in Louisiana and the cold harsh wind was biting at our skin making our cheeks red and rosy. My dad thought it would have been fun to try to run through the fountain while the water was in the ground and try to make it across before the water came back up, so he dared my little sister to run across. She said she’d only go through if my dad did it first, and with that, my dad takes off through the fountain and makes it across safely. My sister still wasn’t convinced so I take off charging through the fountain and making it across the fountain safely. My sister then takes off towards the fountain, but it was too late the water was already creeping up. The next few seconds unravel slowly and the water seems to be frozen in time. In a blink of an eye time returns, and the water comes pouring down drenching my little sister in ice cold water. My little sister lets out a blood curdling shriek as the water stings her skin like thousands of little pins and needles. I scream at my dad saying it was all his fault my sister was drenched. In the next few minutes that follow my mom scolds my dad for daring my sister to do something so dense. My dad smiles sheepishly and tells her that my sister didn’t have to run through the fountain, it was her choice to run through the fountain. My mom looks at him annoyed and then turns her attention back to my little sister who was starting to turn into a human popsicle. I shrug off my coat and wrap it around her and tell her that now looks like a little penguin. Then she starts waddling like a penguin towards my mom who starts heading back to the car to find her some dry clothes. After my sister changed her clothes we continued looking at the unique architecture of New Orleans.
I thought I did a good job on adding description. I also think I did well with figurative language. I also think did well on creating the scene.
I thought I did a good job on adding description. I also think I did well with figurative language. I also think did well on creating the scene.
Jessie,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading you ill-advised moment writing. In fact, I thought it was also kind of funny. You did a great job with adding words that bring a reader's attention to the story. I really liked how you said "blood curdling scream". One suggestion that I would give you is to maybe use some dialogue. Dialogue in a piece of writing really helps to enhance the writing but also to provide a little bit more of characterization. Keep up the good work!